Call of Duty: Stupidity Skirmish
by Mark Shepherd
Summary: As the Russian-American war rages on, what happens to a neighbourhood caught inbetween the crossfire? Please R/R
1. US-Budget cuts

**A/N: NONE of these were supposed to offend any real people! So now everyone can enjoy a story of fictional characters bordering on the verge of becoming brain dead.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Infinity Ward.**

* * *

_Background: As the war with Russia and America rage on across the American continent, it will obviously involve a lot of men and women to pull it off. One such story is between General Sheppard and Vladimir Markov, as they fight over the most important street in a West Virginian neighbourhood. This is their tale._

_Roles-_

_American:_

_General Sheppard- Commander_

_Sgt. Foley-_

_Cpl. Dunn-_

_Pvt. Ramirez-_

_Generic US Army Rangers_

_Russian:_

_Vladimir Markov- Commander_

_Viktor-_

_Lev-_

_Kiril-_

_Generic Russian Paratroopers_

.

1- American budget cuts

Narrator: This is the makeshift American base of operations in this area… In the sewers. Extremely dark and damp and smells pretty bad too. THANK GOD that they finally invested some of our funds into air freshener candles… And the Army Rangers holed up here don't look that much better than the place itself…

Sheppard: (Busts in) ALRIGHT! Which one of you num-nuts just ate all of my sandwiches?!

Foley: Num-Nuts? I thought you were the one who got stunned by a stray silver bullet…

Sheppard: SHUT UP! I just wanted to know who ate my sandwiches!

Dunn: Uh, just a suggestion sir, but maybe YOU ate them.

Sheppard: Are you telling me I ate seven sandwiches in three hours?!

Dunn: Are you saying that your sandwiches are more important than your plans against the invading Russians?!

Sheppard: I… Er… No… But- Hey wait a minute! Are you guys having a meeting without me?

Foley: Uh, I thought we told Ramirez to go and get you…

(Everyone looks at Ramirez playing on a PS3 in the corner)

Ramirez: Er- I did go look for him! But I… well this place is so huge that I get lost a lot.

Dunn: Sheppard's room is right next to ours idiot…

Ramirez: …Still pretty easy to get lost…

Foley: (Mumbles) Moron… (Ahem) Anyways, what's our latest plan?

Dunn: Well for starters, we're going to commence a sneak attack into the Russian's base.

Sheppard: You mean that huge ass mansion down the street?

Ramirez: Uh, I still don't get why the Russians get a huge ass mansion while we're stuck down in the grubby sewers…

Sheppard: Well, for starters, the Russians can actually afford it. They have the funding to deploy some of the most advanced SAMs, radars, tanks and fortifications. So naturally they have all the money they need to erect tons of bases in places of no importance.

Foley: And that itself makes more sense than all of us…

Sheppard: Hey, I never said they were smarter than us, I just implied that they have shitloads of more money than us.

Dunn: No crap. I was wearing the same underwear from last Friday and I just saw those guys just throw theirs out after a single mission!

Ramirez: Sir… It's only Thursday now.

Dunn: No shit Sherlock.

Sheppard: And since when did it make sense to look at the Russians changing?!

Foley: Excuse me, but what happened to OUR money?

Sheppard: Well, we would have a tent by now if SOMEONE didn't blow it all on toilet paper…

(Everyone stares at Ramirez)

Ramirez: What?.. OH hell no, don't even think of putting me on this one, I wasn't the only one that wanted a new PS3!

(Everyone looks at Dunn)

Dunn: WHAT?! It was a limited time offer, plus I just can't stand using newspapers and tree bark…

Foley: (Turns to Sheppard) In hind sight, it was probably a bad idea to get cable down here…

Sheppard: Well, at least we shouldn't have to subscribe to the Home Shopping Network..

Dunn: ..But they shined like real diamonds!

Sheppard: Alright guys, lets settle down. I can see clearly now, that we are going to have to deal with our budget crisis before we can actually commence any attack on the Russian base.

Dunn: So what are we supposed to do?

Ramirez: Blame the president for the severe budget cuts?

Everyone: …

Ramirez: What? What's wrong?

Sheppard: (Sighs) No… It looks like that we are going to have to execute the plan 'Operation Cash Wells'.

Everyone: (GASP)

Foley: It can't be true!

Dunn: Has it all come down to this?

Sheppard: (Sigh) I'm afraid that it has all come down to this…

Foley: The question is, who do we sacrifice?

Everyone: …

Sheppard: A decision like this can only be solved in one way… (Takes a deep breath) ONETWOTHREE NOT IT!

Ramirez: NOT IT!

Foley: NOT IT!

Dunn: Wha-ah? NOT IT!… Ah crap…

Sheppard: So we have it settled then… Dunn, we will all remember your sacrifice from today.

Dunn: Oh *^%! You…

.

(The next day at Burger Town…)

.

Dunn: (Sigh) Welcome to Burger town, where we sell the best burgers in West Virginia. I'm Livshits Dunn, how may I take your order?

Ramirez: So this is 'Operation Cash Wells'? One of us has to get a job? As a fry cook?

Sheppard: (Sigh) Yes… Desperate times calls for desperate measures…

Foley: I have to say, Dunn looks pretty stunning with the hair net and chef apron.

Dunn: I am so going to get you dip-shits back for this.

Ramirez: (Snickers) You might want to straighten your name tag "Livshits"

Dunn: SHUT UP PRIVATE! It was only a typo!

Ramirez: Whatever you say "Livshits"

Foley: So how long are we going to stay here?

Sheppard: Until our cash reserves fill up again.

Foley: Hmm, interesting… Would you like another fry with that sir?

Sheppard: Don't mind if I help myself.

Ramirez: Corporal, where's my happy meal toy?

Dunn: …I'm going to kill you private.


	2. RU-Markov's replacement

Just another chapter… (Gulps down orange juice) I'll be only asking for some reviews… and maybe some more orange juice. Anyways, roll the film!

2- Markov's fake death

Narrator: This is the Russian base of operations in this area… (aka, that fatass mansion that sticks out like a sore thumb inside a regular class neighbourhood.) Very rich and meticulous, fully fortified with sandbags, barbed fences, pillboxes and all sorts of defences. But seriously, it sticks out like a sore thumb! If it weren't for all the funding that those Russians got, the homeowners might just as well have done something about it…

Narrator: Some of the Russians here are settled down in the main living room, where ironically, they are wearing tuxedos and formal dresses while sipping down on fine vodka, even though that this is a friggen war zone…

Viktor: (Comes into the room, and looks around awkwardly) Um, excuse me?

Lev: (Sipping down vodka on a fine couch) Yes comrade?

Viktor: Er, I am Colonel Viktor, and I was sent here to replace your previous high commander.

Lev: (Blinks) Oh, so you're replacing Markov are you?

Viktor: Yes… another tragic loss of another brave leader.

Lev: What the…?

Viktor: You know, when Markov got gunned down by those Army Rangers the other day?

Lev: Gunned down? By Army Rangers?

Viktor: Yes, in glorious battle my friend.

Lev: Um, Colonel, I hate to break this to you, but Markov is NOT dead.

Viktor: But… The last report we just received from here said that he died in 'Glorious Battle' while fighting against several hundred US Army Rangers.

Lev: (Looks of disbelief and disgust) The report actually said that?

Viktor: (Nods his head) Yes. The report also said that he killed half of them before going down with them.

Lev: (Getting irritated) Did he now?

Viktor: (Starts to look nervous) Um, yes, But… he's… NOT Dead?

Lev: Comrade… who do you think writes these reports?

Viktor: …

Lev: (sighs) Markov writes them, for gosh sakes!

Viktor: …Wha…Why would he possibly want to report his own death?!

Lev: (Shrugs) He's a bit of a drama queen, I guess. If you've read any of his previous reports, you'll notice how he likes to indulge…

Viktor: What do you mean by 'Indulge?'

Lev: Let's put it this way my friend; since I've been stationed here, I've held more glasses of wine in my hands than guns.

Viktor: ... So when was the last time our group went out to fight those Army Rangers?

Lev: Hmm... What's today?

Viktor: The 27th.

Lev: Then about five months.

Viktor: It's been five months since any of you have fought any Americans?!

Lev: Well, they do occasionally come by to make trouble, but we usually just shoot at them from the upstairs windows for a while until they get bored and leave.

Viktor: B-but your reports!

Lev: I TOLD you, Markov likes to 'Indulge'...

Viktor: ... Oh dear...

Lev: (Goes back to his Vodka) Well, I guess you'll be on your way now. Nobody dead, nobody to replace. (Yawns)

Viktor: Uh, I don't think so...

Lev: ... Say that again?

Viktor: I'm here to take Markov's place. Whether he really is dead or not.

Lev: (Looking nervous) Is that so?

Viktor: Uh huh... Which means I'm in command.

Lev: (Sweat drop) This can't be good...

Viktor: Which means no more lounging around drinking our fine vodka.

Lev: Crap.

Viktor: Now... let's get everyone assembled.

...

Viktor:... This is everyone?

Lev: Yup... Except for Markov. He's still in his room.

Viktor: Why didn't you get him?

Lev: Believe me here comrade; NO ONE bothers Markov while he's in his room from 6:00 to 7:00.

Viktor: Why? Is he that scary?

Lev: (Snort) Scary? Markov?! Nobody goes in his room at that time because... (Whispers into Viktor's ear)

Viktor: (Look of utter disgust)... I think we'll start this meeting without him.

Lev: Good idea.

Viktor: All right... (Walks up to tall figure in tuxedo) And who might you be sir?

Kiril: I am Kiril, sir. Medic and head of armory.

Viktor: And how is our armory?

Kiril: A dust-buster would be appreciated sir.

Viktor: (Sweat drops) Moving along... (Stand before a petite blonde) And who might you be?

Russian paratrooper #1926: I am Lena sir.

Viktor: Any special traits?

Russian paratrooper #1926 (aka, Lena): Um... Well I'm very good at- (Lev clamps his hand over Lena's mouth)

Lev: (nervously) No special skills sir!

Viktor: ... Uh huh...

Lev: (whispers to Lena) Keep quiet about the 'special traits.'

Lena: But what if he gets lonely at night? He might need my special skills?

Lev: (sigh) (facepalm)

Viktor: And what about you?

Lev: Huh?

Viktor: Do you have any special skills?

Lev: (Sarcastically) My job is to stand here and look bold, my friend.

Lena: Hey! Markov said that was MY job!

(Everyone looks at Lena)

Lena: ... What?

Viktor: ...Well, uh... it's just after 7:00... Someone should probably get Markov.

Lena: Ew! Not me!

Kiril: I must decline as well.

Lev: (Gives the "No Way in Hell" look)

Viktor: (Sigh)...

(Markov eventually comes out of his room half dressed in his underwear, and comes down stairs to find everyone lined up in their fully dressed up in battle gear)

Markov: Um... Did I miss something?

Viktor: I take it you're Markov?

Markov: Yes, that would be me... And you are? (Extends his hand to Viktor)

Viktor: (Looks nervously at the given hand) I am Viktor. Your replacement.

Markov: (Blinks) Say wha?

Viktor: Your last report said you were dead.

Markov: Oh... Heh... I guess I got a little carried away.

Viktor: Yeeeaaahh... And the part about the several hundred of Rangers?

Markov: (ahem) My mistake.

Lev: (Mutters) What kind of idiot reports his own death?!

Markov: I got carried away! I wanted to make myself look heroic... Heh...

Viktor: (Looks at the report much more closely)... Wait a minute... You wrote this thing in first person format!

Lev: (Mumbles) What an idiot...

Markov: (Sweating nervously)

Viktor: (Dryly) Well... Since, you're supposed 'death' I've been put in charge.

Markov: What?!

Viktor: And because of your 'mistake'... the believed number of Americans here encouraged us to bring in additional support.

Lena: (Looks out the window) Ooooh! A helicopter! We get a helicopter!

(Everyone looks out the window at the Yellow-green drabbed helicopter)

Viktor: Yes. The Mi-28 Havoc, the newest addition to our West Virginian Arsenal.

Lev: (Raises an eyebrow) Impressive.

(Outside)

Neighbour's Wife: (Taking groceries into the house) Dear, is it me or does that big mansion have an armed helicopter?

Neighbour's Husband: (Helping his wife) Hm... Looks like it.

Neighbour's Wife: Is that legal?

Neighbour's Husband: No.

Neighbour's Wife: ... Okay. (Continues taking groceries inside)

(Back inside)

Kiril: How did you get that here? I didn't hear any helicopter sounds.

Viktor: Yes... (Ahem) Well I don't actually know how to fly a helicopter myself... so we had it shipped.

Kiril: Sir... what good is a helicopter if no one knows how to use it?

Viktor: Er...

Lev: (Sigh) I miss my Vodka...

Lena: Oh! Oh! Can I ride gunner?!

Kiril: I hope we don't get anymore complaints from the home owners association for this one. We spent a lot of money so they would over-look the yard gnomes...

Viktor: ...

Markov: So wait... Does this mean the Mansion isn't mine anymore?!


	3. USxRU-Superpowers confront

Another chapter… Reviews as you know would keep any story here alive. Thanks to PLAINAWESOME for his reviews. Anyways, Roll the film!

3- When superpowers clash

**American Base-**

Narrator: Sheppard is peeking out the manhole in front of the Russian base with a pair of binoculars, attempting to spy on what is going on with the Russian detachment at this suburb.

Sheppard: They have a helicopter?! What the hell?!

Ramirez: A helicopter? Sweet! I wanna see!

Sheppard: Shhhh! Quiet, I'm trying to do some spying here… Dang, looks like they got another guy, too…

Ramirez: So? Its not like that they are ever going to come out here to look for us, all they do is hang out in the lounges and drink their vodka and stuff. I'm sure that their armoury can use a dust buster too!

Sheppard: Well you do have a point, but this new guy here is… different.

Ramirez: What do you mean?

Sheppard: I don't know… He looks like those stuck up types… one that can actually do the job properly.

Ramirez: THERE'S PEOPLE LIKE THAT?!

Sheppard: I know, right? I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes.

Ramirez: So should we tell Foley and Dunn about this?

Sheppard: Probably. Is Dunn back yet?

Ramirez: Yeah, he just finished collecting his fifth and last pay check. (Sigh) Who knew that it was possible to get fired from Burger Town for unsanitary habits, out of all the unsanitary places around?

Sheppard: Huh? I think you may be referring to Happy Tree Diner.

Ramirez: Huh? Oh yeah… Happy Tree Diner, where cute animals call it town… Glah, say, what exactly was the reason why Dunn got fired?

Sheppard: Other than the fact that he lives in the sewers with us? And the fact that he hardly bathes at all?

Ramirez: Oh yeah… Hey, is it just me, or does the place actually smells like a proper sewer after Dunn left?

Sheppard: Yeah, I noticed that too.

Ramirez: Is this the reason why we turn off the ladies in town?

Sheppard: …

.

**Russian Base-**

Viktor: Alright people. I know its been a while since anyone here has actually gone off to fight those US Army Rangers, but as paratroopers in the name of the Russian Federation, it is our duty to hunt them down and bring them to justice. Any questions?

Lena: (Raises her hand) Does this uniform make my butt look big?

Lev: …

Markov: …

Viktor: (Sigh) Nope.

Lena: (Smiles) OK!

Kiril: (Raises hand) I was just wondering where all of those cheeseburgers came from…

Viktor: Cheeseburgers?

Kiril: Yeah, there were at least seven cheeseburgers that mysteriously appeared inside our fridge last night.

Lev: Why do we even need cheeseburgers?

Lena: Oh! Those were mine!

Lev: But I thought you're eating healthy food only?

Lena: Well, yes… but I was wandering around one day on a patrol, and I was in this extremely dark and stinky place, and I found these cheeseburgers so I took them back with me.

Viktor: …I don't even know what to say about that one…

Lev: Where was this dark and stinky place anyways?

Lena: (Shrugs) I don't know.

Viktor: (Sighs) Moving along…

Kiril: Sir, will we be taking the helicopter?

Viktor: Well, seeing as no one knows how to fly it, I would have to say no.

Lena: I can fly it.

Markov: Sweetie, this is no time for imagination and fantasies.

Lena: Huh? Oh no! I can really fly it. (Pulls out a logbook)

Viktor: (Flips through the book) it's a pilot's flight log. It says that she has flown before in Mi-24 hinds and MiG-29 Fulcrums.

Lev: WHAT?!

Markov: Is that thing real?

Kiril: (Examines the logbook) Its authentic. It says that she has clocked over 750 hours in the MiG-29 alone.

Lev: I don't believe this…

Viktor: Oh come on now. Is it that hard to believe?

Everyone, except Lena: (Looks at Viktor in disbelief)

Lena: (In the corner smelling a vase of flowers) Flowers are always nice…

Lev: Those are fake, Major.

Lena: Okay. (Continues to sniff the flowers)

Viktor: (Sigh) (Facepalm)

.

**American Base-**

Dunn: So they have a chopper now?

Sheppard: Looks like it. They may also be planning something so we should keep ourselves ready. Foley, how are those weapons and ammunition going along?

Foley: Huh? We have ammo now? Thank god, I don't think our M4s can do anything with sticks and stones…

Sheppard: Already better than I expected. Dunn, how's our base defences looking like?

Dunn: Defences?

Sheppard: That looks like it's a-OK. How about you private?

Ramirez: Sir!

Sheppard: Sorry, I ran out of questions to ask you guys.

Ramirez: …

Foley: So what do we do now?

Sheppard: Keep an eye on those guys, I guess. I heard that we got running water again, so we are going to clean up now.

Dunn: Clean? At a time like this? Why?

Sheppard: GRAB HIM!

(Everyone [Except for Dunn, of course] drags him into the bathroom)

Dunn: NO! IT BURNS! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ramirez: Oh god, what a wimp…

Sheppard: God, this is only going to get worse when we pull out the Soap…

Foley: Oh my gosh! Get a load of this! Dunn is white!

Ramirez: Holy meatspin! I thought he had a serious tan or something!

Sheppard: …Dunn.

Dunn: (Growls) What?

Sheppard: It has been a long time in advance. (Pulls out shampoo and toilet brush)

Ramirez: I bet you his hair is blonde too!

Foley: (Holding toilet brush) Only one way to find out…

Dunn: God help me…

.

**Russian Base, 21:49**

Viktor: Ok, is everything set? Fireteams A and D will take ground search with Kiril, Markov and me, while Lena and Lev will take the Havoc to scout out the enemies.

Kiril: Yes sir.

Markov: D-do we have to? What if we actually run into the Army Rangers?

Viktor: You. Shoot. Them.

Markov: Oh…

Lev: (Snickers) at least I don't have to do anything.

Viktor: (Hands him a uniform and pilot's helmet) And Lev: You will be the gunner while inside the Havoc.

Lev: (Mutters) Son of bitch-

Viktor: Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Lev: (Fake smile) Nothing!

Lena: (Zips up pants) Ready to go!

Viktor: High command would kill us if they saw us doing this.

.

**American base-**

Dunn: (All clean now) I hate you guys.

Ramirez: Is it just me or does this place smell a lot better than before?

Sheppard: Why Ramirez, you are absolutely correct!

Dunn: Assholes…

Foley: (Looking through a manhole) Uh oh…

Sheppard: What is it?

Foley: Looks like they are preparing a search party. They have two fire teams on ground and they're using their new Havoc as air support.

Sheppard: (Loading his M4) Alright men, battle stations!

Ramirez: Yes sir! (Runs into the bathroom and locks the door, with an audible toilet flushing sound.)

.

**5 minutes later, outside American base-**

Sheppard: Okay guys, here's the plan. Were going to scatter out. Dunn and I will both go alone while Ramirez and Foley stick together with the M3 recoilless gun.

Foley: Since when did we receive M3 rifles?

Ramirez: I thought it came from one of Dunn's Middle Eastern relatives.

Dunn: What? I'm not Middle Eastern!

Ramirez: You're not?

Dunn: I'm Finnic you idiot! My father was from Finland!

Foley: Wow, learn something new everyday…

Sheppard: No kidding, here I thought he was Spanish.

Dunn: … You guys suck …

.

(Kiril, Markov, Viktor, along with several fire teams are patrolling the streets, with Lena and Lev in the Havoc as air support.)

Viktor: (On radio) Osa flight, please respond, over.

Lev: This is Lev, I read you good sir.

Viktor: Good, and make sure you end every transmission with an over.. Over.

Lev: Understood, Over.

Markov: So when is this going to be over? Er, over.

Viktor: It'll be over when we have hunted down the Army Rangers in this area. So don't ask when it'll be over, until I say it will over…. (Sigh) Over.

Kiril: Any signs of the Rangers? Over.

Viktor: Nothing to rep-

Lev: Wait! I think I see something on thermals! Over.

Viktor: Where?

Kiril: I see two of them. By that house, over there!… over.

Lena: (Smiling happily) Going in!

Lev: Wait! Don't take us in too low! The trees! The Trees!

.

Ramirez: Uh, oh… Here they come.

Foley: Okay, the projectile is ready. Remember, we only have one shot at this, so make it count.

Ramirez: (Aims the rocket launcher) Kiss your communist butts goodbye ruskies!

Foley: Hey! That was a good line!

Ramirez: Really? I guess I'll have to remember that one for Hollywood.

.

**Same time, Havoc chopper**

Lev: Lena?

Lena: Yes?

Lev: Is it just me, or is that American aiming at us with a rocket launcher?

Lena: (Looks down) Oh shit!

Lev: Well said.

.

Ramirez: Ready… aim…

Foley: FIRE!

(Ramirez fires the launcher)

.

Lev: WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Lena: Woap! Righty-O!

(Lena manages to pull the chopper into a barrel roll, successfully avoiding the rocket.)

Lev: Holy crap… you actually did something right!

Lena: (Smiles) Thanks.

Viktor: (On radio) Sweet save! Over.

Lena: (Not paying attention) Thanks sir! Over.

Vocal warning system: Pull Up! Pull Up! Pull Up!

Lev: AH! LOOK OUT! TREE! TREE!

Lena: Ah?

.

(Ramirez and Foley watches as the helicopter proceeds to plummet 30 feet onto the ground into a wreck.)

Foley: Well, it wasn't a total loss, was it?

.

(Quarter mile away)

Cop 1: Another day, another dollar.

Cop 2: I think its night sir.

Cop 1: No shit Sherlock.

Cop 2: Say, what is that up inside the sky?

Cop 1: Looks like a rocket.

Cop 2: Coming at us?

Cop 1: Yup.

Cop 1 and 2: …

Cop 1: Wait for it…

Cop 2: RUN FOR IT!

(Both officers jump out, just before the car was blown to pieces.)

BOOOOOOOOM!

Cop 1: (Cough, Cough) Should I report this one, or you?

Cop 2: I'd just go for some doughnuts.

Cop 1: Agreed.

.

(Lena and Lev climb out of the chopper)

Lev: I should have seen that coming…

Lena: Well its not too bad… easy enough to fix.

Lev: (Notices Ramirez and Foley right in front of them, drooling) Americans!

Ramirez and Foley: ACK! (Runs off)

Viktor: (Joins up) After them!

.

(Neighbour's house)

Neighbour's Wife: Honey?

Neighbour's Husband: Hm?

Neighbour's Wife: Did an armoured helicopter just crash in our backyard?

Neighbour's Husband: Probably.

Neighbour's Wife: Well aren't you going to do something about it?

Neighbour's Husband: It's two in the morning, I'll take care of it later.

.

Markov: (Holding an AKS-74M and shaking nervously)

Lev and Lena: (Runs up to Markov) Markov!

Markov: BAH! (Turns to face Lev and pulls the trigger)

Lev: Okay… Three things.

1) The safety is still on.

2) You didn't put a clip in the gun.

3) DID YOU JUST TRY AND SHOOT ME?!

Markov: S-sorry, I-I got surprised.

Lev: (Eye twitching) ANYWAYS…. Have you seen any Americans?

Markov: N-no… Are they around here?!

Lev: There were two of them, but they split up. (Points at the backyard of another

house) I think I saw one of them go that way.

Markov: O-okay.

Lev: … Let's go Markov.

Markov: I don't want to.

Lev: (Pulls a clip out of Markov's belt and puts it in his gun) Okay now?

Markov: No.

Lev: (Sigh) (Pulls his gun out and aims it at his head) Ready NOW?

Markov: Quite.

(Markov leads the way into the backyard.)

Markov: It's so dark in here I can barely see.

Lev: Just keep your gun pointed forward.

Markov: I'm surprised nobody has gotten out of bed to see what's going on.

Lev: This is a suburb. Nobody in their right mind gets out of bed before 6:00.

(A sound comes from behind some bushes in the corner of the yard)

Lev: Come on, go check it out.

Markov: B-but…

Lev: (Glares at him)

Markov: Fine…

(Markov walks over to the dark bush and inspects it)

Markov: (Turns around quickly) Wellnoamericansherelet'sgo!

The Bush: Gggggrrrrrrrr

Markov: GAH! (Runs away)

Lev: Idiot!

The Bush: Grr…

Lev: (Pulls out his gun nervously) come out now!

The Bush: Gggggrr…

Lev: (Shaking) Come out NOW!

The bush: (A golden retriever pops out of the bush)

Lev: (Lowers his gun with a relieved sigh) Aw! Well aren't you just the cutest thing!

(Puts his gun away)

Dog: (Walks over to Lev to be petted)

Lev: (Petting the dog) You're a good doggy aren't you.

Foley: (Comes up behind Lev) Grrrrr….

Lev: (Blink, blink)….

Foley: Gggggrrrrr…

Lev: (Turns around slowly.)

Foley: (Looks down at Lev)

Lev: (Looks up at Foley) AH! (Runs off)

Lena: Oh crap…

.

(Behind one of the houses)

Ramirez: (Huff, huff) Okay… I lost them…

Dunn: (huff… huff) Same here.

Sheppard: I sort of lost 'em.

Ramirez: Huh?

Dunn: Well, I was hiding, and I saw one running around screaming, so I jumped out of the bushes and scared the hell out of him!

Sheppard: And he didn't shoot you?

Dunn: Nope. In fact, he threw his guns away, and I'm pretty sure he pissed his pants.

Ramirez: Score! But… Where's Foley?

Dunn: …

Ramirez: …

Sheppard: …

.

Lena: (Smirks) Not bad.

Foley: Huh? (Looks down) GAH! (Starts to look for his pants)

.

Ramirez: I'm pretty sure Foley can handle himself.

Dunn: Right. They're just a few paratroopers, with advanced weapons. I'm pretty sure he can handle it.

Ramirez: …

Dunn: …

Sheppard: … So you guys want to head back to base? This is getting kinda boring now. I mean… They're helicopters broken and all now… What's the point?

Ramirez and Dunn: Okay.

.

Russian Base-

Viktor: (Sigh) Okay… So we had some minor set back with our first operation. But we've got a crew that's picking up the helicopter and bringing it back. So it's no real big loss… So… did anybody find any Americans?

Kiril: I was chasing after one for a while, but I lost him after I saw Markov running around screaming. That's when a second American appeared and Markov proceeded to wet himself.

Markov: (With a towel wrapped around his waist) …

Kiril: While helping Markov, I lost site of the second American.

Viktor: Well… That's not TOO bad…

Lena: I found some pretty flowers! (Holds up a bouquet of flowers)

Markov: Aren't those from OUR flowerbed?

Lena: … Oh! So they are!

Viktor: …

Lev: I didn't spot any Americans after Markov ran away and peed himself.

Viktor: You didn't find anything?

Lev: Not a thing.

Kiril: Say Lena, why do you have lipstick, and why is it smudged?

Lena: Uh… Er…

.

American base-

.

Foley: Okay. I'm back.

Ramirez: Oh, hey cool you're not dead!

Foley: Uh, no. I'm not.

Dunn: Damn! (Hands five bucks to Foley)

Foley: … Anyways… The Copters down, so…

Ramirez: Yup.

Foley: And none of us are dead or anything…

Dunn: We're pretty sure of that.

Sheppard: So… I guess you could say…

Ramirez, Dunn, and Foley: (looking excited/anxious)

Sheppard: … Mission accomplished.

Everyone: (Begin to party) Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (Throws iPod around) Please help me cause I'm breaking down, there's pictures frozen and I can't get out..(You know the rest…)

Ramirez: (While partying) Hey Foley… What's that red stuff on your lips?

Foley: Huh? Er… Nothing…

Sheppard: Let's break open the cheeseburgers!

Everyone: …


End file.
